“They’re not dolls! They’re action figures!”
This was my plea as my Dad asked why a plastic football had just cannoned off my action figure and hit him in the back of the head. The missile was fired from the boot of my Dwight Yorke 'doll' and, in my father’s defence, his surprisingly swear-free response was impressively calm considering he was driving at the time.
In celebration of Barbie’s plastic fantastic cinema extravaganza, now seems like an appropriate time for The Sportsman to look back at great football toys. Come on reader, let’s go party.
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Table Football
Does exactly what it says on the tin, this one. A game of football played on a table. All the players are attached to poles meaning you can’t go all Pep Guardiola and play a high line. It does, however, accurately simulate the full range of movement of Harry Maguire.
Americans call it 'foosball' because you can’t trust them with anything. But they did produce some of the pseudo-sport’s most famous players. Who can forget Monica Geller single-handedly beating both Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing two-on-one back in the 1990s? Magic.
Subbuteo
Taking football off the table and onto the floor comes this timeless classic. Until 1947, flicking pieces of plastic across a table cloth while shouting was enough to get you committed. But then Subbuteo was launched, a full scale, 22-player football extravaganza that could fit in your living room. Sort of like Kenilworth Road.
Subbuteo is up there with Uno and Pokemon cards as games in which nobody knows the actual rules, but everyone has fun anyway. If you played this childhood classic, you probably just flicked the tiny depictions of footballers aimlessly towards the ball and/or your mate’s eyes.
Prostars/Powerpodz
Reservoir Dogs. Kurt Cobain. New Labour. Noel’s House Party. Prostars. Nothing conjures the decade of the 1990s quite like these plastic nostalgia-magnets. Always known as “bigheads” at school, these little statues of the day’s footballing greats were the ultimate cultural currency.
Later shrunk down and put inside chocolate as Powerpodz, makers Corinthian tried to reinvent the wheel with another game nobody knew the rules to. Like with Subbuteo, everyone largely just threw them at each other. I’ve still got a scar from a collision with my mate’s Nicky Barmby.
Power Play Figures
Cortinthian realised at some point during the late 90s that footballers actually had normal-sized heads. They commemorated this with a line of 12-inch action figures (okay, they were dolls) of Premier League and England greats. Alan Shearer, David Seaman, Dennis Bergkamp and Patrik Berger were among the players immortalised in Action Man (or Ken) style plastic.
The figures had a number of interesting features to allow for full customisation. These included removable kits and interchangeable faces so the same base doll could be used as multiple players. So if you’ve ever wanted a statue of a naked Ole Gunnar Solskjaer holding Gary Neville’s severed head, get on eBay. Also, seek immediate help.
Volley Trainer
This was a football tied onto a string around your waist. The benefits of this were two-fold. Firstly, it meant that no matter how hard you kicked the ball, you wouldn’t lose it under a car or through a neighbour’s window. Secondly, it meant people with no friends could still play the beautiful game. Not me, I had loads of mates. Honest.
The design flaw here is that if you were trying to replicate Tony Yeboah’s Leeds United heroics and volley the thing into oblivion, the ball would swing back and smack you in the stomach. More a barbaric instrument of religious penance than a toy, worryingly they still sell these on Amazon. An essential Christmas purchase for your friend’s child who you hate.
