It’s time. You no longer must pretend to like cricket; boo Justin Gatlin or witness Bradley Wright-Phillips hone the craft of prolific striking across the Atlantic. The Premier League is here for another nine months to cause you ecstasy, agony and entertainment.
There are a whole host of questions: Will Chelsea avoid second-season syndrome? Will Lukaku prove his worth? Will Huddersfield Town survive?
But amid the questions lay the inevitabilities of week-to-week football life: Antonio Conte saying “work”; Mark Hughes finding holes in the referee’s performance; watching Wayne Rooney’s performance with hands covering your face.
And with that comes the new, weekly Sportsman series of ‘Premier League Bingo’, where (tongue-in-cheek) inevitabilities are recorded and dabbed off as the weekend comes to an end. Here goes…
Cringey ‘That feeling when the Premier League is back’ memes
Rumour has it the Arsenal v Leicester opener actually won’t kick-off unless every sports page posts a GIF-based tweet suggesting how football fans will be feeling about the return of the Premier League. Best achieve a few hundred retweets and a thousand likes to make it worthwhile, mind.
Nobody having any idea how the new fantasy football draft works
Burgers. Patriotism. Obese people. There are some things the Americans are world leaders in, and another thing to add to that list is draft leagues. This season the Premier League has launched its own version, and football nerds are excited but also panicking at the prospect of this new development. Believe me, it’s not that difficult – although finding a common time with your mates to do it does complicate matters.
People realizing Mauricio Pellegrino isn’t Manuel Pellegrini
You didn’t know? For a change Southampton have appointed a new, cool, foreign manager and his name is ominously close to that of Manchester City’s former head coach. He seems the type to have committed some sort of semi-famous bad act against England in an international, but disappoints in that department.
West Brom v Bournemouth being last on Match of the Day
Pulis. He always weaves his magic, the sly old fox. A honed tactician of the under 2.5, West Brom’s manager loves a clean sheet and against Howe’s Bournemouth – who’ll presumably take a few weeks to hit their stride – this has a 0 slapped on for one side at least, and a tired Gary Lineker introducing it at 11.47pm.
Virgil van Dijk crying on the pitch
The Saints’ superstar has handed in a transfer request amid a complete relationship breakdown at St Mary’s. After being forced to ‘train alone’, which is still a bizarre concept to visualize, he’s fed up and wants a move to illegal tapper-uppers Liverpool. Pellegrino may just have to push the Dutchman onto the field as he cries at the thought of playing for one of the Premier League’s most well-run clubs with a five-figure weekly wage again.
Everton v Stoke BTTS letting down your accumulator
“Well yeah y’know Koo-man has bought all these guys in for a hundred mill – they’ll be wanting to score. Trust me, mate. Trust me. Stoke, I tell you what… they’ve got a bad rep but Hughes has them playing football. He has them playing football. Dead cert, dead cert both teams.” 0-0.
