“WHAT IS FOOTBALL, IF NOT FOR DREAMING!”
Not my words, but the words of Peter Drury, during a 1-0 win for Stoke at Watford in November. If you’re not familiar with his work, imagine one of the generic BBC Match of the Day commentators, but dangled over the edge of a cliff.
A former accountant, Drury is not just an excitable presence, though, he’s an intellectual one. Words like “febrile”, “capacious” and “insuperable” sneak in alongside the screeched surnames. Recognised speechwriting devices are deployed liberally: a repetition here, an alliteration there (HISTON! HISTORY! HYSTERIA!) because this man cares about his football.
Drury’s voice is a marvel. At its calmest, it’s like a friendly but determined driving instructor. But when a goal goes in (or even threatens to) he becomes like an end-of-his-tether Head of Year who has just arrived a minute too late to find the science block has exploded.
Anyway, let’s dip into his vocal scrapbook….
10) Premature congratulation
Penalties are hard to keep track of in the heat of the moment, let alone before the new ABBA system was introduced. As Costa Rica’s World Cup quarter-final shootout reached its climax against Holland in 2014, Dirk Kuyt stroked home to make it 4-3 after four kicks each, but Drury just couldn’t keep it in.
9) Blue steal
A stunning crescendo was reached at the end of a superb Champions League ding-dong between Atletico Madrid and Chelsea and, as Michy Batshuayi tucked home the shock 94th-minute winner, Drury had to summon whatever words were uppermost in his brain.
Look at that reaction from Antonio Conte 🙌
Steal? Steel? Either way, WONDERFUL STEAL! After that, the controlled rhythm and pitch of its B-side “The Continental Road” is just beautiful stuff.
8) Peter the pass master
The 90th minute at Old Trafford, and the Manchester United fans are busy olé-ing their way through a 32-pass move that would, eventually, end with a deft Sheringham flick to Paul Scholes on the edge of the Panathinakos box.
Drury approaches this crowning moment as if it were a luxury chocolate bar.
“To die for. To smile about. Just to enjoy.”
7) “Is this for real? Is. This. For. Real?”
Chelsea’s chaotic 6-3 win at Everton in the early weeks of their 2014/15 title-winning season was a bewildering experience, admittedly, but the sight of Samuel Eto’o scoring perhaps wasn’t enough to question if we’re all just a computer simulation:
6) Drury and the Vuvuzelas
Not necessarily Drury’s finest moment of commentary, but certainly his most high-profile. Shortly before the hour mark in Johannesburg, South Africa’s Siphiwe Tshabalala launched the 2010 World Cup in its opening match...you know the rest.
5) Wait for it…
Drury breaks away from an historic moment for West Ham, for the most beautifully innocent reason possible. What a lovely man he is.
4) Peter the Poet
“He rose so high, nearly touched the sky”: The Secret Diary of Peter Drury, aged 13¾
3) Physics with Peter
Testimonial games are a chance for everyone to let their professional hair down. Someone conveniently dives in to concede a penalty for the main man to score on their big day, there’s some cheerful banter with the referee, and the commentator allows himself to say something like “WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO GRAVITY”.
2) Peter meets Partridge
“This is icing on a cake soooo rich as to be...thoroughly, thoroughly palatable for those who’ve travelled from Chelsea.”
Has there ever been a better post-goal metaphor than that?
1) Barrow Boy
And finally, the motherlode. You may not be familiar with the glorious 285 seconds of Peter Drury’s 2010 FA Trophy Final commentary highlights, so brew yourself a tea, sit back, perhaps stick the headphones on and bathe in some nice, hot Peter.
It’s virtually impossible to choose a favourite moment from this. Perhaps it’s the opening offering of “GOAL OF A LIFETIME! FOR DRURY AT WEMBLEY” as his namesake opens the scoring for Stevenage. “He could play for any team, in any league, in any land in the world, and he would never strike a ball more purely than he has there.”
But Barrow are where the real fairytale lies, and their comeback brings us into alliterative Drury dreamland.” First, the equaliser from the gigantic substitute striker Lee McEvilly:
“The hordes from the North are jumping up and down at Wembley! They’re not done yet! The Barrow boys are upsetting the apple cart!
And then, with three minutes of extra time remaining, Barrow’s no.9 hammers in a 30-yarder to win it.
“OH YES! BARROVIAN BEDLAM! Pick that out - PICK THAT OUT, Jason Walker, born and bred BARROW”
