Elton John stormed Worthy Farm on Sunday night, bringing Glastonbury to a close in a hail of beloved bangers and surprise guests. But alongside being one of the most iconic musicians these shores have ever produced, the Rocket Man also belongs to another exclusive club. Elton is also a former Premier League chairman.
The diminutive ivory-tinkler had two stints as Watford chairman between 1976 and 2002, including during their 1999-2000 Premier League campaign. Given his distinctive voice, incredible stage presence and phalanx of hits, it’s safe to say he is the only former Premier League club owner capable of rocking the Pyramid Stage.
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But what if that wasn’t the case? What if some of the current board supremos in the English top flight walked onto the iconic festival stage? Here’s how we at The Sportsman feel they would get on.
Todd Boehly - Chelsea
The divisive American likes to splash the cash and this is reflected at the famous Farm, as he erects the most dazzling stage set of the weekend. Boehly also whips out the cheque book to secure a number of guest stars. Unfortunately, he hires a band of seven guitarists, an ondes Martenot player, an oboist and someone playing the recorder.
The lack of percussion or bass renders the set an aural mess. Boehly spends the rest of the weekend trying to get Romelu Lukaku off the wage bill by loaning him to the Arctic Monkeys.
The Glazers - Manchester United
The biggest family band to come out of America since The Osmonds, Joel, Avram and the gang draw a big crowd to the Pyramid Stage. Their set is entirely composed of songs they have borrowed from other artists, but they haven’t paid any of their own money to use them.
A controversial booking, they spend the entire set being pelted by bottles. Things take a particularly nasty turn when widely loathed clarinet player Ed Woodwind joins them on-stage. Attempts to get a Qatari Sheikh and an eccentric British billionaire to finish the set for them go awry.
Tom Werner - Liverpool
The crowd are fully on-side for a rousing opening rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone. They then don’t sing along to anything else in the set. Even Paul McCartney can’t save Werner, despite a rousing 40-minute rendition of Hey Jude.
One of the most accomplished sets of the weekend, with appearances from an Egyptian King and a grinning, baseball-capped German. Werner wins plenty of awards for the show, but the fans moan afterwards anyway.
Sheikh Mansour - Manchester City
The talk of the festival, despite some last-minute changes. A bald, Catalan man decides minutes before the gig that the guitarist will now take over on drums, the lead vocalist will be playing bass and the keyboard player is charged with dancing, Bez-style, at the front of the stage.
Despite this last-minute reshuffle, Mansour somehow ends up on top. The only band of the weekend called back for a treble-encore.
Tony Bloom - Brighton & Hove Albion
The most Glastonbury-sounding name on this list, it is a surprise to find out he hasn’t played it before. Populates his band with young, hungry, cut-price musical talent. Despite them being unfamiliar to the majority of fans, by the end of the set the crowd adore them.
Bloom’s band will break up in the immediate aftermath, with the majority of them joining Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds. Bloom, unfazed, simply unearths another group of unbelievably talented instrumentalists and goes again.
Daniel Levy - Tottenham Hotspur
Notorious for his demanding negotiation style, Levy actually refuses to take to the stage at all. Some attribute his reluctance to the recent loss of several guitarists, including a sulking Italian aggressor, his anonymous mate who only made it through four gigs and the genial, safe Englishman who played in the band a few years back.
Eventually walking away from the negotiating table entirely, Glasto are left with a gaping Daniel Levy-sized hole in their schedule. Inevitably, Dave Grohl emerges to fill it, playing his fourteenth set of the weekend. He brings out Paul McCartney. They play Hey Jude.
*18+ | BeGambleAware | Odds Subject To Change
