Wasn’t quite as good as the week before, was it? Nevertheless, gameweek two of the Premier League 17/18 served up a dramatic London derby, a ruthless Manchester United rally, and a warmingly familiar Arsenal loss to Stoke.
Sorry to potentially be the bearer of bad news, but next week is the international break, meaning a) No Premier League Bingo, and b) No Premier League football. And with that, let’s kick-off the third installment in the series, markers at the ready…
A gradual incline of fans discovering over the course of the week that it’s the international break next weekend
It’s the same regime every year – lure us in with three weekends of top-flight football, then force us to spend the following weekend watching Rooney score a 45+1 min penalty against a weak European side at Wembley. And despite the digital age, this stomach-wrenching news is usually discovered via word-of-mouth, your ears twitching as it pops up in a nearby discussion you supress yourself from joining in with.
‘Betting men’ avoiding the early kick-off and regretting it
The one golden rule of Premier League betting: avoid the early kick-off. This week that’s Bournemouth v Man City, and it certainly has that ominous feel to it where The Cherries could somehow nick a result, but surely they won’t? Just to clarify, you’re only a bonafide Betting Man™ if Bradley Walsh has asked, “Are you a betting man?” and you reply, “sometimes,” before doing your money-building round on The Chase.
Harry Kane somehow not scoring in August, still
Given that the Spurs striker has only played 12 games in August in his career, it’s not that incredible a statistic, though admittedly an anomaly with his terrific goals-to-game ratio. Having hit the post twice the last two weekends, a goal at home to Burnley is surely inevitable, no? It just seems like the statistic’s presence on TV is very similar to that of the zombie news in Shaun of the Dead.
Sean Dyche fielding the most Burnley attack ever witnessed
Burnley bolstered their very Premier League 94/95-esque attack this week with the signing of 6ft 2in Chris Wood from Leeds. Sean Dyche now has at his disposal: Jon Waters, Sam Vokes, Ashley Barnes and, of course, Chris Wood; the first of that bruising quartet genuinely described as the “signing of the season” by none other than Paul Merson.
Alexis Sanchez or Philipe Coutinho untimely smirking after their side concedes
Refreshing Kaveh Solhekol’s Twitter page really has become a tiring pastime over the past weeks, as Coutinho now looks set to stay at Liverpool. When his Liverpool team meet Arsenal on Sunday, he and Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez will both be in the stands, and unlike the latter has done before, need to maintain plain-faced for the duration of the game, in fear of eagle-eyed TV viewers exposing any happy emotion after goals.
More former B/C-list players fleeing to Turkey before the transfer window shuts
This week Samir Nasri joined the Premier League’s breeding ground for has-been talent, Turkey’s Süper Lig. He’ll bout wits with familiar faces such as Martin Skrtel, Fernando, and Bafetimbi Gomis, among other renaissance-hopeful footballers. Here’s to the Branislav Ivanovics, Lucas Leivas and Marouane Fellainis of this world one day getting the move they deserve.
